Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Estranged, continued.

I've been having a hard time this weekend.  I thought I was okay, then other people felt the need to share info and pics with me from my estranged daughter's facebook page and I kind of flipped my shit.  On facebook.  Very tacky.  Sigh.

  • Did she look pretty for prom? Yes, absolutely.  She's a gorgeous girl.  But it's so weird and hard to be excluded from that process. 
  •  Apparently she also got a job, and enlisted in Delayed Entry.  Good for her, but wouldn't it have been more useful to her to have the resources hubby and I have (both from serving in different branches of the military) and wouldn't it be great if she realized that her perception (based on her posting) of Delayed Entry isn't accurate?  
  • She's graduating in a few weeks.  I won't be invited.  

The people sharing these items with me think they are helping.  They think having a window into her life will make it easier.  I don't think that's true at this point.

A friend said that I should be very, very careful about what I write.  (Love you Susie, and I do listen.)  It is hard to be careful when I feel so raw.  It's hard to think about leaving an open door when you still are so angry about the person walking out.  And it's hard to filter what is your primary outlet.  So I'm working on that.

Many of my younger friends (under 60) view this as a stage that she is going through.  A phase that will soon pass, so I should get my forgiving outfit on.   On the other hand...

I talked to another friend, whose best friend is in the same situation.  But she's been in the situation for decades.  Her three children stopped speaking to her when she divorced their father.  Now she has only passing contact with one of her kids. And she's in her 70's.  I pray that isn't my future.  That's so many years of pain and loss.

I'm so grateful for my older friends, and their compassion and perspective.  Probably half of my friends are over 60 and they are such a blessing to me.

My family has been a separate challenge.  We all had dinner for my mom's birthday last week, with hubby picking up the tab.  After the fact, I found out that my daughter had been invited but didn't respond.  I asked my little sister (with considerably less clarity and manners) why she would invite her, and why she wouldn't at least let me know that was a factor?   I feel that her (and other members of my family) having a relationship with my kid is good, but that for right now that shouldn't take place on the same ground I'm standing on.

My niece has a ballet recital soon.  I paid over $300 for her semester of lessons. My sister feels feels she shouldn't have to choose who to invite. Seriously?

Tonight me, my little sister, my mom and I have tickets (that I paid for, for my mom's birthday) to Wicked.  They want to meet up beforehand and carpool in so it's not such a battle.  Where do they want to meet?  At my daughter's place of employment.  Seriously?

A theme, apparently, is that I need to stop footing the bill for family stuff.  And I shouldn't expect any of them to understand how I feel, or to particularly care.  That's really depressing.


  1. Tough situation. I sympathize. Don't feel the need to do anything you don't want to do. Sometimes avoiding people is better than hearing about them.

    Two decades ago, I threw part of my family away -- parasitic relatives who dishonored the memory of my mother -- and I've never looked back. I wouldn't want to hear anything about them ever again.

  2. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It really stinks (<-major understatement). I'm thinking about you.


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